@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

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@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@uheartIessbitch

just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston

@Dutch_50

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

@Bandersnaaatch

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

@Vhalechark

Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that

[later]

Me: you have nice eyeball hair

@Home_Halfway

[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me

@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

@MNateShyamalan

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side