I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

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Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.


If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.


just because i loved you at one point does not mean i will always love you… I am not Whitney Houston


Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.


Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.


Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that


Me: you have nice eyeball hair


[man having a stroke on an airplane]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh my god! Do we have a doctor on the plane?

DENTIST: I’m a dentist, I can try

FA: Please do, hurry!

DENTIST: *runs over and hurriedly flosses the man’s teeth* Don’t you die on me


Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?


lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better


even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side