I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I hate when that happens.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Swedish for common sense.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
we’re gonna need another temp
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography