Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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Hope I got my ticket….
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”
– Vader & therapist
A doorbell that whispers “hide.”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
teens don’t realize how privileged they are to have these smartphones. it used to be you’d have to read shampoo ingredients on the toilet but now with the phones you can just snap a pic of the bottle and read them wherever
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle