@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

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@FredTaming

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

@iamspacegirl

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

@joejwest

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

@squirrel74wkgn

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

@dave_cactus

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

@theshamingofjay

Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.

@JohnLyonTweets

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

@radtoria

1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes

2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice

@SethMacFarlane

Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.

@UncleDuke1969

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”