@RackOfSteel

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

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@UnFitz

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

@Playing_Dad

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

@YourMomsucksTho

My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

@TheAlexNevil

Can’t wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say “Annoying, huh?”

@HALFniteStand

When a girl comes over for a date, I make sure I leave a hammer and measuring tape on the counter so she doesn’t suspect that I watch Glee

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no