me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
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Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
Not much I can do
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Growing a beard comes from laziness. If you ladies think that’s sexy I have some laundry on my bedroom floor that’ll turn you on.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
1st baby: you make sure he’s breathing every five minutes
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don’t even notice
Someone left a flyer on my windshield asking me to envision heaven, so I pictured a world where no one leaves flyers on my windshield.
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”