Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!
The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G
Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?
Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?
Wife: What’s wrong with you?
*damn you webMD, damn you.