@YourMomsucksTho

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

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@UncleDuke1969

Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.

@WritePlay

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

@Mom_Overboard

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

@DaddyJew

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

@TravLeBlanc

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

@avainwordland

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

@

a:2:{i:0;a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”jtrulez”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2982601413/d544e141d386084130a35c59ee2914e2_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349262839447437312″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:134:”*Knock knock*

Who’s there?

The police! You’re wanted for first degree murder!

The police you’re wanted for first degree murder who?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@paigellwanger97

i could miss 4 days of school in a row in HS and have all A’s and you zone out for 38 seconds in college and ur grade goes from a B to a G

@shawnspree

Wife: Why do I have a temperature of 101.3?

Me: Maybe you’re pregnant?

Wife: What’s wrong with you?

*damn you webMD, damn you.