I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay