@The_KJM

I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.

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@JohnLyonTweets

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

@Spaziotwat

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

@carlyken

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

@plsfindmeagf

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

@LizHackett

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

@jergarl

I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@iamfase

Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.