I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.

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I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*


My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.


Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.


I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.


my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


I’m ONLY remembering to drink fluids because you told me to. NOT because fluids are literally the only thing you CAN drink, KAREN.


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.