I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.


perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors


Who called it love at first sight instead of “lost at see”?


I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now


Saying a prayer for all the turkeys tomorrow. Also the single people with concerned relatives.


66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”


I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.


14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’


[Grandma’s funeral]

GIRL: *crying*

BOY: Bae, I know what will make you feel better

*opens casket to reveal PROM? spelled in carnations*