Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
You Might Also Like
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo
Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?
Me: I have kids?
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl