@pabstdriver

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

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@BlindVigil

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

@WheelTod

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

@Tobi_Is_Fab

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@BrdnHatesYou

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: One last drink and then I’m off to the petting zoo

Her: Aren’t you too drunk to bring the kids to a petting zoo?

Me: I have kids?

@Lisabug74

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl