@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

- @CroweJam

You Might Also Like

@MinchinRob

GF: I’m sick of communicating via walkie talkies. I think we should breakup
ME: we should breakup what? OVER
GF: its over
ME: its what? OVER

@garrydavenport

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

@theroneman

[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos

@PaperWash

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@joejwest

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

@joejwest

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

@UncleDuke1969

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

@_alexwray

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression