I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander