@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

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@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@mrjohndarby

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@daemonic3

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

@NyAdas

Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying

@CherBear162

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands