I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
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so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor