I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?