@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

You Might Also Like

@Soberphobiccc

Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.

@Dutch_50

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

@Wordesse

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

@GrahamKritzer

God: This is called the placenta, and it will help human babies just kinda vibe

Angel: What happens if the humans eat it

God: lol why would they do that?

Angel: …

God: WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT

@NightValeRadio

Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

@Shock_Monster

Hostess: Table for one?

Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?

Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.

@lisaxy424

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

@KeetPotato

oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?

@Tuna_Lover

Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn’t think I was just buying KY and condoms.

@okaishawty

I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35