I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?


Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.


One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.


Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?


Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.


“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”


Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.