I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

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Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope’s car.


I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.


Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.


God: This is called the placenta, and it will help human babies just kinda vibe

Angel: What happens if the humans eat it

God: lol why would they do that?

Angel: …



Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.


Hostess: Table for one?


Hostess: …

Me: …

Hostess: …

Me: Yes, one please.


My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it


oh, so now star wars is the best thing you’ve ever seen, is it?
“yes, and?”
so you’ve forgotten about the time we saw a snake wearing a hat?


Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn’t think I was just buying KY and condoms.


I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35