I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Goodnight 🐶
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
hmm conte-me mais
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops