@JohnLyonTweets: I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Father's Day is a great time to give your father a tie so he can look extra nice at the job he settled for because you were born.
@delusions_of: The guy at the urinal next to me doesn't appreciate my theories on "Game of Thrones".
@TheFearBoners: When one door closes, another opens. Also, you can open the closed door. That's how doors work. How do you know so little about doors?
@HollyMemphis: Friend: "I just blew a speaker in my car." Me: "Which kind?" Friend: "Motivational."