@JohnLyonTweets

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@BasicLyes

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

@karanbirtinna

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@Home_Halfway

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

@TheRobCee

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.