I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
When he asks for feet pics
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.