I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Happy Friday
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.