I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.