I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
One of the best
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.