I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Fluff me with a fork baby
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”