I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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HEYYYY MACARENA
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?