I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
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NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*