I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
You Might Also Like
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?