I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring

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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together


Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens


Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.


Therapist: Wow, it sounds like academia causes you a lot of anxiety, isolation, guilt, and disappointment.
Me: Yes, I guess you’re right.
Therapist: So what do you intend to do once you finish your PhD?
Me: I would ideally like to get an academic job.


I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!


I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.


[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!


Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From