Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You Might Also Like
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.
“it was so sudden”
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*