I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”