I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.


I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic


Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying “I’m stalking you” was much funnier in my head.


[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right


MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?


Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments


[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya


BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]


A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.