@WheelTod

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

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@jonnysun

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

@Reverend_Banjo

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

@HavocMantis

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

@jessokfine

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

@SketchesbyBoze

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

@junejuly12

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

@JasonLastname

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

@Elizasoul80

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.