I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
opening twitter today
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Well, shit
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.