DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
me: goodnight moon
me: [pumping shotgun] forever
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.