ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[first day as a train conductor]
coworker: you the new guy?
me: yeah, i guess you could say i’m in train-ing
me: so far this job is off the rails
me: so what do you guys do to let off steam
coworker: [sighing] okay that one was pretty good
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.
I know this now.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.