ALADDIN: *pulls up google earth*
JASMINE: this is not what I had in mind
I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.
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[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha
ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”