@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

You Might Also Like

@DurtMcHurtt

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

@tweeterreader36

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

@NaeemHoosain

1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎

@MableGertrude

If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.

@samalmightysam

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

@GloGurL

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

@amishschool

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

@voldemortsbicep

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries