I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.


If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.


1. Sits in the bedroom
2. Doesn’t leave the house
3. Doesn’t go out with freinds

My childhood punishments are my adult hobies 😎


If you know a clumsy person you secretly wish would die, give them some rollerblades.


Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.


My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?


My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.


Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries