@Divergentmama

I can’t be certain, but pretty sure I just heard the dishwasher scream “please no more” when I walked in to the kitchen.

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@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@brennadine

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

@AbbieEvansXO

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

@UncleDuke1969

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

@TheHyyyype

WIFE: it’s your turn to change the baby. he left you a little present haha

ME: *opens diaper* how the hell did he get an x box in there??

@TheToddWilliams

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

@moutheaters

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”