My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Hell yeah 👍
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper