@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

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@murrman5

[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*

@SJKSalisbury

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

@amydillon

“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@djdarrellripley

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

@GeorgeTakei

In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.

@truegritrumble

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

@Try2StopME

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

@dreamthievin

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”