@knot_eye

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

- @knot_eye

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@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@1Happytwit

My ex told me that Gaga’s “Bad Romance” song reminds him of me. Now I’m glad I dumped him. What sort of idiot admits to listening to Gaga.

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@MomofTeen

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

@LuvPug

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

@ElizaBayne

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I don’t have kids.

@ClichedOut

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

@junejuly12

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?