I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

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[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*


I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.


“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”

-my son, blaming the victims


Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor


Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…


In a recent poll, Tulsi Gabbard trails Hillary Clinton significantly in the race for the Democratic nomination, even though Clinton is actually not in the race.


BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?


He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*


I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.


*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”