I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.