Snake: Okay what
Caterpillar: *grows wings*
Snake: OKAY WHAT
I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission
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Air Bud: who’s the new guy
Clifford: idk but he’s cute
[earlier that day]
Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*
Me: The kids aren’t in the car.
Wife: I said it for me.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born
8 y/o daughter: