My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.