@Sirrruh

I can’t be the only woman who gets creeped out when she realizes her ovaries sniff out and sync up with other ovaries without her permission

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@Browtweaten

Caterpillar: *walking*

Snake: Okay what

Caterpillar: *grows wings*

Snake: OKAY WHAT

@jazz_inmypants

[Heaven]

Air Bud: who’s the new guy

Clifford: idk but he’s cute

[earlier that day]

Scooby Doo: *texting and driving*

@XplodingUnicorn

[driving]

Wife: Horseys!

Me: The kids aren’t in the car.

Wife: I said it for me.

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@jlock17

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

@TheBoydP

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@heyitsJudeD

Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!

Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind

@Mr_Kapowski

My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!