I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Does it…does it take 3 days
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.