I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

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I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.


Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)


HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.


I’m so fancy, I pronounce the “H” in “WHISKEY”

*every single one of you just said that word out loud when you read this


At my funeral take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next


In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.


I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.


Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.


Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.