@TheIronSherk

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

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@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

@SardonicTart

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

@CAshmanActor

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

@jergarl

My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don’t think she’s buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier

@ericsshadow

If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.

@ruinedpicnic

me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter