ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
I can’t believe how different life was before
Al Gore invented the Internet
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don’t think she’s buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
“All you need is love.”
If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.
me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter
If I ever have a baby, I hope it’s a puppy.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.