I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts