I can’t believe how different life was before


Al Gore invented the Internet

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[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
A: [choke slam noises]


Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.


[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop


My wife says I was wasted last night and honestly I don’t think she’s buying my story about having to be naked to guard the neighbors porch.


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier


If you stand next to a fatter person you look better. That’s why I work at Burger King.


me: [spends $20 on a parody MAGA hat with a subtle change]
anyone more than five feet away: oh look that person is a trump supporter