I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.