@robyn_vo: I can't believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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@TheDairylandDon: Once you understand they're unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
@RobinMcCauley: My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
@Sickayduh: "What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
@NotthatAdamWest: The FBI's security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.