Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.
Me: *passes out pizza*
3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2
Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*
3: wow, thank you
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Nincompoopery is my favorite kind of poopery
everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013