@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

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@JT_IV_

Men simply like to adjust their junk,
it’s not pocket science.

@ArfMeasures

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

@fillthevacuum

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@Cherhole

There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.

@DaddyJew

Me: *passes out pizza*

3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2

Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices*

3: wow, thank you

@ElleOhHell

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

@hippieswordfish

everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013