@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

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@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@nsterdan

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

@jwoodham

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

@NurseMurderer

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

@tarashoe

A WOMAN: i’ve only been washing my hair
ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!!
THE WOMAN: once a
ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

@GoldenSpirals

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

@Mr_Kapowski

Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?

@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit