My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You Might Also Like
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted