The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.
It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.
Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!
911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.
[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?
There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet