@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

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@lizetagge

The closest I’ve been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop…

@ramblinma

Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

@Dash_of_Crazy

My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her.

It’s like she’s a drunk version of me.

@KristinHalbrook

Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.

@gruffybeard

911: What’s your emergency?

Me: I’m scared. I *gasp* can’t *gasp* breathe *gasp* again!

911: Sir, for the last time, unbutton your pants.

@trentistweeting

[playing limbo at Gary’s house]
GARY: how low can you go?
*i sleep with Gary’s wife*
GARY: wow, that is pretty low

@SteveKoehler22

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

@Smooheed

Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet