@HatfieldAnne

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

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@kelkulus

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@Ivsy01

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

@Serrano___

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@MarkoESQ

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

@thestlouisan

[Texting]

WIFE: Will you get coffee and a bagel for 6?
ME: He’s too young for coffee
W: Coffee’s for me
M: Where’s the comma?
W:
M: Hello?

@pleatedjeans

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted