I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
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“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.