Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.

I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said: “That’s a…big step.”