I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

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Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.


i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure


when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”


(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.


nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl


I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”


Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night


Inventor: the 6 means 30


Ok parents who refer to their kids by age… I can play too. “22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies”


My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.