@Elizasoul80

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

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@caithuls

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

@XOperfectmessXO

I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away

@mattZillaaaa

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

@Rollmaninoz

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

@murrman5

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@ByrdMan0914

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend