ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
sorry password must contain a special character
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend