*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
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My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]