I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
WTF
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.