I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.


I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.


MURDERER: *kicks down my door*

ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha


interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time


Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?


I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.


People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.