Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.
MURDERER: *kicks down my door*
ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Jogging but instead lying in bed with your eyes shut.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.