I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.