i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
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Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem