coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!