I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10