I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time