I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
You Might Also Like
Best mom ever 😂
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Spotted in New Orleans.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves