I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
#CoronaOutbreak
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Who chose this font
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify