@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

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@damagedave

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@LeBearGirdle

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@mela_shea

Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.

@sarahcpr

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

@JPLFR80

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

@Marcellomj

Hot water mixed with vinegar & baking soda. 2 cups of Coca-Cola, a dishwashing tablet & half a lemon. Swirl it for 3 minutes, place the pan in the solution for 45 minutes.

I then brushed it with a toothbrush. I rinsed it & it still looked the same. So I went & bought a new one.

@SayGerv

So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.