@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

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@sarahclazarus

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@sweetg35

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

@cepheusjackson

WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

@1MeLrO

Yes advice is free, but so are throat punches

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”bellicosejason”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2920777729/0790156818043637f77bc218ae309e04_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”322024322468302849″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”44″;s:5:”tweet”;s:58:”In order to catch a bus, one must first think like a bus..”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@RoosterMustache

HER: I love sweater weather

ME: *holding up an umbrella to protect us from falling sweaters* It’s that time of year again already?!