I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
You Might Also Like
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]