I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.


One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.


Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!


The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.


I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.


Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.


If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat


Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?


Hot water mixed with vinegar & baking soda. 2 cups of Coca-Cola, a dishwashing tablet & half a lemon. Swirl it for 3 minutes, place the pan in the solution for 45 minutes.

I then brushed it with a toothbrush. I rinsed it & it still looked the same. So I went & bought a new one.


So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.