@better_off_dad

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

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@mommy_cusses

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@DaHess1

I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.

@BillArrundale

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

@Just_Lee_

It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book.

A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It’s a vast improvement.

@R0ckG0d88

My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.

@dubstep4dads

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

@_davidlucas_

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

@chris_isloi

So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.

@NoogsCorner

That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.