I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

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Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?


doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof


I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it’s negative.


I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.


It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book.

A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It’s a vast improvement.


My dog can’t hear me when I yell at him to stop chewing on my flip flop but he can hear the crinkle of the Dorito bag from 3 counties over.


Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall


He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.



So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.


That awkward moment when Batman opens the condom compartment instead of the Batarang compartment in his utility belt.