I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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#Caturday
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
how much does a mortician urn in a year
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.