@SkippyMcGizzard

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

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@Whitnuts

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

@WilliamAder

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

@reczit

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@CulturedRuffian

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@notalogin

[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you

@ch000ch

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

@TheCatWhisprer

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.