I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

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“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes


I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top


There are 3 certainties in life
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to


It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.


Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?


Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.


Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers


Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship