@ConanOBrien

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

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@ashleyaustrew

“I don’t know the government, and I’m not giving them any of my coins.” – my 4yo after I explained taxes

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@mom_ontherocks

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

@MikeLonghelt

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.

@Jenny4ashley

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

@AndrewChamings

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

@briangaar

Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers

@envydatropic

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship