My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
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WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
how much for the angry fruit?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.