Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
I CANT BELIEVE WE STAYED UP AND SCREAMED HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR THIS BULLSHIT
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If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Priest: what the HELL
Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Sarah: I’m a twin.
Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?
ME: I do not.
“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “Is it serious?”