9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Oh hi lol
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”