@Aintshitjunior

I CANT BELIEVE WE STAYED UP AND SCREAMED HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR THIS BULLSHIT

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@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@suzannemariedo

[funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@HeyoShellz

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

@stephenjmolloy

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

@UncleDuke1969

“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”

@sofarrsogud

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?

ME: I do not.

@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

@Parkerlawyer

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”