“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it


Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane


Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.


16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’


Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this


I thought she said “tantrum sex” and this is probably the most I’ve ever disappointed a woman.


Me: Saw your bf today


M: What’s the name of that gym next door to the gay bar?


M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds